The 2014 February Douchey McDouche Bag Award

Tales of the Gun – Part 2

Aaah – sweet, sweet February.

For our monthly vaginal cleansing, we didn’t have to move far.

In fact, in what seems like a really cheap version of Groundhog Day, we moved our douche-licious roadshow from the Tampa area to Jacksonville, Fla.

So for your reading pleasure, it’s Part 2 in our Tales of the Gun.

We have indeed awakened to the sound of gunshots in the wonderful state of Florida. However, this month’s stink-fest doesn’t involve a gunman in a movie theater, but instead the gun of 47-year-old Michael Dunn in a Jacksonville gas station.

The murder of 17-year-old Jordan Davis in November of 2012 and the actions of Dunn on that night finally went before a judge and jury in February of 2014 and became infamously known as the “Loud Music Trial.”

As you can imagine, like any other Florida shooting, there was high drama and a douchey outcome on the horizon, in another case where a white male gunned down another unarmed black teen.

Tha Cars that Go Boom

Dunn and his girlfriend pulled into a gas station convenience area after attending his son’s wedding in November of 2012.

While Dunn’s fiancé Rhonda Rouer ran in to pick up some white wine and chips, our douche bag sat in the car next to a red Dodge Durango chock full-o- black teens and stewed.

This wasn’t your grandma’s slow cook stew, nope. This was like Marlon Brando in Apocalypse Now.

Eyewitness accounts in court recalled Dunn being so concerned over the volume level of the “rap crap,” being played in the vehicle next to him that he asked if the radio could be lowered – evidently he was having problems thinking.

After the tunes were lowered and raised again, all hell broke loose. And it appears Dunn rolled down his window and began engaging the teens with varying degrees of who would kick whose butt talk.

Dunn alleged that 17-year-old Jordan Davis threatened to kill him through a back seat window and then one, “You talkin’ to me?” later, he felt the need to grab his strap and go rat-ta-tat-tat.

Recollection of the incident by Dunn made a detour into fantasy land when the shook one remembered the teen exiting the child locked backdoor of the Durango and standing outside of the truck glaring at him. He also imagined a shotgun and the possibility of gang retribution as he let loose a total of 10 shots into the fleeing vehicle.

Jordan Davis, the alleged aggressor, was struck three times: in the leg, liver, lung and aorta. The other teens were unwounded during the shooting. After fleeing the crime scene, the victims checked on Davis at a nearby parking lot before returning and calling for help.

Despite Dunn’s fearful account, police later found no weapons inside the Durango. Evidently Douchey McDouche Bag was spooked by a camera tripod, cups, sneakers, and some scattered clothing.  Boo!

A Douchey Ride to the Pharcyde

Then Dunn’s funky trip got all hallucinogenic.

He fled, as the teens fled, and drove more than 40 miles to St. Augustine before stopping at a hotel with his sweetie. Obviously still shaken to the core, Dunn took the dog for a walk before ordering some pizza.

Obviously distraught, our douchemaster general was too upset to eat, but instead crawled inside a rum bottle hours after shooting Davis. He worried the unarmed teens he’d fired upon might have followed him, so he kept his gun handy and drove Rouer 160-miles to South Patrick Shores.

Nearly 24-hours later, Dunn, who was self-described as being “crazy with grief,” could not explain why he never contacted police about the shooting incident or why he fled some 200-miles from the scene the shooting.

“You’re right. It sounds crazy…I can just tell you I didn’t do it,” Dunn testified in court. “It makes sense that I should have. We didn’t. I can’t tell you why.”

Yeah dude, you’re right, it did sound cray-cray – crazy illegal!

Dunn went on to describe his excellent adventure as an “out of body” experience with fits of vomiting and stomach problems. After police located and arrested him, Dunn claimed the shooting was self-defense and that he was trying to stop the “attack.”

The lone gunman was initially charged with first- degree murder for the death of Davis and three counts of attempted first-degree murder for shooting at three other unarmed teens who were attempting to avoid being shot.

“Like, I’m the f’ing victim here,” Dunn reportedly said during one of nine phone calls made while he sat in a Florida jail awaiting trial. “They attacked me. I’m the victim. I’m the victor, but I was the victim too.”

Dunn’s testimony set the tone for the continuing argument of entitlement that seems to land a white person on the right end of a firearm and their black target dead.

During the February trial, most worried that it would be George Zimmerman and Trayvon Martin all over again and in some ways they were correct.

Sure Dunn was a white male with a gun and a desire to use it, if threatened.

Like Zimmerman, he provoked an altercation with a teen, but unlike Zimmerman and Trayvon Martin, there was no actual physical battle between he and his victim.

As the trial began, it became clear that two vastly different versions of Davis’ murder had emerged. One from the prosecution that recounted a verbal exchange between Davis and Dunn that ended with Dunn shooting three times into the back of the car and seven more times as the teens attempted to flee.

The defense then painted the youngster as an armed aggressor, who cursed at Dunn, threatened his life with a big, scary boo-ya gun and then scared him into shooting him to death.

In fact, defense attorney Cory Strolla even went on to describe the shooting as Dunn’s right to defend himself.

“God didn’t make all men equal. Colt did. Colt is a firearm,” Strolla said. “(Dunn) had every right under the law to not be a victim, to be judged by 12 rather than carried by six.”

The rah-rah America defense would have worked, except for nowhere in the old west was it cool to shoot an unarmed man because you were scared and he was attempting to flee.

As the trial dragged along for a little over a week, it became clear that despite his assurances, Dunn was a douche bag beyond compare. There was no shotgun, Jordan Davis never exited the vehicle and his 200 mile drive was little more than an escape from a murder scene.

Similar to our January Douche, he too was given up by his mate, who never remembered mention of the a shotgun or any weapon after the killing.

The jury in the Davis shooting case was composed of four white women, two black women, four white men, an woman of Asian descent and a man of Hispanic descent.

Despite its diversity, the jury struggled with a murder conviction and deadlocked on the murder of Jordan Davis. Dunn was instead found guilty of one count of firing into a vehicle and three counts of attempted second-degree murder for firing on, but missing the three surviving teenagers. He was not convicted of murder for shooting to death 17-year-old Jordan Davis.

Florida Prosecutor Angela Corey, who seemingly bungled the Trayvon Martin case and watched murderous George Zimmerman walk free just months earlier, said she would seek a new trial on the murder charge.

Dunn’s defense attorney challenged the convictions, which could carry a possible prison sentence as long as 60-years. Douchey Dunn was denied a new trial on the four charges of which he was convicted and faces sentencing in late March.

In the end, no one deserves to die because they played their music too loud. Maybe he should have just sat in the car and waited for the chips and cheap wine, instead of going all gangster and mercking a kid.

However, his seemingly race driven, cowardly shooting spree and escape make him inescapably our February 2014 Douchey McDouche Bag Award winner.

We wonder what the loud sounds of life imprisonment will do to his tummy and head.

So, shut up, shutting up Michael Dunn! You’re our big winner for February 2014!

Enjoy your award in the tranquility of your cell.

You cowardly, scene fleeing, murderous, delusional Douche!