The March 2013 Douchey McDouche Bag Award

 

When we thought to award our March Douchey McDouche Bag Award we actually were in a quandary.

It could have gone to easy candidates, like the U.S. Congress, which has consistently dropped the ball and voted against the wishes of the American people all year.

However, the nation’s legislature and its part in the sequestration mess, paled in comparison to our ultimate winner – Kim Jong-un, the 30-year-old, dictator from North Korea, who is so douche-ified that he is known, lovingly as: “Supreme Leader.”

Jung-un or “Lil’ Kim” as we call him, is the youngest son of longtime dictator Kim Jong-il. He inherited the keys to the palace and kingdom of North Korea after his military jumpsuit wearing poppa died in 2011.

Dressed in all black, like the Omen, this douchey  dictator began talking real recklessly late last year, but when the New Year kicked in, Jong-un ramped up the rhetoric and began a nuclear dog and pony show that ultimately landed him on our list.

From nuclear missile tests to Hitler-esc photo op’s in military vehicles to straight up threats against the US and South Korea – that douche bag has made a splash on the national stage and turned himself into a “playa” on the world scene.

The only problem was no one could quite figure out if his many harangues were a part of a lust for power, a need for attention or a desire for some alone time with POTUS Barack Obama.

In case a full on male crush seems to be too unbelievable, consider the time line for “The Kim Jong- un  Douche Fest 2013.”

As 2012 ended Jong-un launched a three-stage rocket and placed a satellite in orbit. Condemned by the United Nations and the United States as a covert ballistic missile test, Jong-un said: “I got your missile test…” and in February of 2013 he defiantly conducted a “non-covert “ nuke test.

Then came madd threats from the chubby little man in black: like how he would, exact “physical counter measures” against neighboring South Korea. He then oversaw an artillery drill that simulated a war.

As the sanctions tightened, the world got a little more concerned about Jong-un’s stability and his douchey game of chicken. Everyone was on the edge of their respective seats in anticipation of how this tense situation would end.

So how did this rising dictator break the tension as the world pondered a nuclear North Korea?

He took in a Globetrotters’ game.

HE LIKES BIG BALLS AND HE CANNOT LIE

Yep! Jong-un yucked it up with Dennis Rodman at a Harlem Globetrotters game in Pyongyang on the last day of February. The merry pictures and his new found friendship with The Worm caused us to think – hmmm maybe we were wrong about our newest dick-tator.

Afterall, Rodman, a recovering alcoholic and NBA legend, got front row seats beside the Communist leader and his family. Rodman even got to attend the after party back at the palace, where he was accompanied by three Globetrotter players and a film crew.

Speeches were made and fun was had by all, causing Rodman to proclaim Jong-un his “friend for life.” He even vowed to return to the Communist country in August to go on holiday with the douchey dictator.

Rodman said he was trying to improve relations with the Communist country and its leader, who is a big fan of his, American basketball and the Chicago Bulls of the 1990’s.

Things reportedly got so loosey-goosey that Jong-un even asked Rodman to get President Obama to shout him a holler.

Days later, when Barry O didn’t holla back, Jong-un started acting all stank and began the douche-worthy campaign that earned him our top prize for that last month of winter.

On March 1 the US and South Korea began their annual military exercises with Jong-un threatening to nullify the armistice that ended the Korean War back in 1953.

Two days later, Li’l Kim lost his dang mind and threatened a pre-emptive nuclear strike against the US and South Korea. The United Nations countered by ramping up the sanctions for the earlier nuke tests, but that didn’t stop our douche; oh no – he was only getting started.

He announced the voiding of the non-aggression pact against the South, which has been in place for 60-years and vowed “all-out war.”

Then following a tour of frontline islands, Jong-un made more threats and said he would obliterate the island of Baengnyeong, which is in South Korea.

As the month moved along, the tensions escalated and our douche got some push back from our side. Plans were announced to build up defenses in South Korea and give our allies every resource to protect against a possible strike including missile defense systems.

US backing was followed by a fly-over by B-52’s, causing Jong-un to threaten more strikes against US bases in Japan and Guam. North Korean missiles were then moved into a position to threaten strikes on the US mainland, Hawaii, Guam and obviously South Korea.

Jong-un, grew even more belligerent, by cutting off the military hotline to South Korea and telling his the democratic neighbors that he could no longer guarantee their safety or that of diplomats in the North Korean embassy.

To date, Jong-un continues his douche parade with no apparent end in sight.

While sanctions and long, slow talks set a logical foundation for getting us through this episode without any casualties, it’s the unpredictable nature of Jong-un that makes him such an unmitigated douche bag.

Even his newest buddy and hero, Dennis Rodman said he can’t vouch for the things that come out of dude’s mouth.  But he ain’t exactly turning down any vacation opportunities in Pyongyang; I just hope Lil’ Kim didn’t hear his mate has been courted by the FBI.

While we’ll never know what bug could have possibly crawled up his chubby, bung hole and why he decided to start directing his trash talk at us, no one should be surprised by anything that comes from the mouth of a guy who believes himself to be a demi-god in training.

As we continue to owe outlandish amounts of money to the Far Eastern giant, you can rest assured China is not going to lose out on what it’s owed due to the eradicate actions of an out of touch imperial brat, like Jong-un.

So at the end of the day, despite all of the video of screaming, crying country people and photo ops with American basketball stars, Lil Kim knows what we know. All of the sabre rattling and canned adulation aside, nothing can hide the fact that he’d better not mess with China’s money.

In addition, despite what he’s said, we know the deal. He’s like Willie in Shaft and he “ain’t gonna do ish!”

You may have a goose-stepping military, nuclear weapons and a nation of repressed peasants under your thumb, but now you’ve got something even your pop-pop and papi didn’t – a Douchey McDouche Bag Award.

Now go read a bondage magazine or vacation with Dennis, Lil’ Kim – you ish talking, sanction drawing, oppressor of the human spirit – Douche!